Up until two weeks ago, I was a proud haver of a friend with benefits. The arrangement was great, the sex was great, but then something happened: he found someone else. Ouch. My head and heart have been in a whirl since.
1. WHY DOES THIS FEEL LIKE A BREAKUP?
Why am I crying? Having an FWB doesn’t mean you have a boyfriend; they’re not the same thing. Sure, we went out to dinner together a few times, but most of our relationship was based solely in the bedroom. And the living room. And the kitchen. (Yeah, it was hot.) We’d ask each other how we were doing on rare occasion and often didn’t even talk at all. So why am I hurting?
2. WHEN DID MY FEELINGS GET INVOLVED?
I must have developed feelings along the way. OK, maybe it wasn’t “along the way” but from the very first time I met him. We shared a few dates before we made our, ahem, agreement, and I can’t lie, I really wanted to be with him properly in the beginning. Our chemistry was undeniable, but no matter how much I wanted to crush them into a ball and throw them away, romantic feelings blossomed—and no matter how well I pretended not to, I wanted something more.
3. DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?
I’m paranoid that I said something, felt something, or acted someway wrong. Maybe I did show my feelings. (Heaven forbid we actually show someone we care about them!) I’ve been analyzing our last night together, trying to find clues, and I’m grasping at tiny straws. Was it my comment about golf? Was I too defensive when he said he had to go to bed early? Is it because I didn’t like Ashton Kutcher’s The Ranch? It could have been anything, it could have been nothing, but I’ve convinced myself that somehow it was me.
4. WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME ANYWAY?
I can’t help but wonder: why not me? Is there something fundamentally wrong with me? Sure, I struggle with my peccadillos, but I’m a pretty capable and strong person. I don’t think I’m too ugly or smell too bad and I’m fairly kind. So why isn’t he dating me? Maybe there’s a line you cross when going into a friends with benefits relationship that you can never cross back, and he’s just playing by the rules.
5. WAS THERE AN OVERLAP?
How long does it take to “see” someone? A few dates, a few more dates, a month, maybe two? The exact moment is unclear. I’m itching to know when his new relationship started. What if we were still doing the deed when he first began dating this girl? Was I ever the side chick? Was he dating other people the entire time we were together? Were we actually ever together? My mind spins.
6. WHY DID I GET SO COMFORTABLE?
I let myself relax in the situation. I let my guard down. I don’t know why I thought our “relationship” would last when it wasn’t based on a solid foundation to begin with. I partly blame him for my comfort. It began with dinner, then Netflix and chill. It felt real, sure, but all were a facade for their true purpose: the booty call. There’s no attachment to a booty call. I got in trouble when our rendezvous became somewhat regular and I took them for granted. I surely did. Never did I imagine I would be sex-less in a blink of an eye. I thought I would always have supply.
7. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ON THURSDAY NIGHTS?
I’m partly kidding, but my week has now really opened up. Not to say we were on a schedule, but I’d always keep a night open for him. Now there is no such night.
8. UGH, DO I REALLY HAVE TO START OVER?
This is the worst. Though we went through a dry spell, I always had my buddy on call and was never worried I would go without sex. Now I’m worried: I have no options. I have no one in my Rolodex that I can call. Well, maybe one or two, but they don’t understand my body like he does. My buddy knew exactly how to turn me on and I wholly appreciated him for it. Now I have to teach someone else? How exhausting.
9. IS IT EVEN WORTH IT?
Half of me says no but the other part is screaming yes. The no part of me realizes that having a FWB is not sustainable. I’m getting older and I should be trying to find a real partner. If I want to have babies, I have to start a separate hunt: I have to exit the FWB station and hop on the serious dating train as soon as possible. The other part of me just really wants to get her rocks off. Is that so bad?
10. IS THIS REALLY THE END… FOREVER?
Maybe this new girl will be “The One” and my buddy will settle down and live the rest of his life with her. If that’s true, I will be really sad. I can’t imagine not boning him again. I just want one more night! Is that truly so wrong? If he comes back, I’ll be waiting with open arms. (And legs.)